An Autobiography in Random Chapters

Foreword & Contents

I’m not going to write too much here, that would spoil the fun.

I was born in 1966, and apart from my year at university, I’ve lived in the same small town in south Wales ever since. I used to work in the book trade. As of September 2009 I was a full-time student again. As of October 2011 I’m unemployed. I own my own house; I’m single; I’ve got no kids, no pets, no TV, no money to speak of…

This series of disconnected jottings isn’t intended to reveal any Great Truths about Life, The Universe and Everything. There are Great Writers who do that sort of thing on a regular basis. But I freely admit that I’m not exactly Mr Average, and I do tend to look at Life from a jaunty angle sometimes.

I also tend to get involved with interesting/eccentric/artistic/creative/odd people, and often find myself in situations which most people tend to pass by. (If I drop the odd name here and there, it’s not to show off – it’s just to illustrate the preceding point.)

Some of these entries are recycled from an earlier blog I had on MySpace, and where possible I’ve included the original date. Some are Extracts from my Uncollected Notebooks. These are a series of small pocket books written largely in coded hieroglyphics, which I’ve carried for many years. (My literary executor is under stern instruction to burn them all before reading.) However, occasionally one piece turns up which is worthy of preservation. Some are letters which I’ve sent to local newspapers over the years. Of these, about a third have been published. My complete scrapbook went missing some years ago. There’s a reward for its safe return.

I hope you enjoy these random (in the literal sense, not in the ‘teenspeak’ sense) outpourings, and if you do, please click the ‘like’ button and/or leave a comment. Otherwise, I’m going to feel like Jack Trevor Story… (See I Want to Tell You a Story.)

And if you do find what I write to be to your tastes, why not try out my slice of Doctor Who/Torchwood fanfic, Pit Stop?

Follow @Cosmic_Tigger

CONTENTS

1      I STARTED SOMETHING I JUST COULDN’T FINISH
In which The Author contemplates the incompleteness of his life so far

2      ELTON DEAN – SORELY MISSED
In which The Author doesn’t see the finest sax player since Coltrane

3      SKIRTING THE ISSUE
In which The Author reveals his legs and inner thoughts

4      METAMORPHOSES
In which The Author fails to recognise an old friend

5       A LOAD OF CRAP
In which The Author examines the contents of his recycling bag

6       LEARNING DISABILITIES
In which The Author meets some children with ‘special needs’

7       A LETTER FROM THE EDITOR
In which The Author gets an email from an old friend

8       ADVICE TO THE LOVELORN
In which The Author reads a rather strange letter in a newspaper

9       LITE RACY RATS
In which The Author reads a worrying report in a newspaper

10    A MYSTERIOUS BOOK
In which The Author receives an unexpected delivery

11     MERE COINCIDENCE…?
In which The Author ponders the deep structure of the Universe

12    IT’S MUSIC, JIM – BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT
In which The Author recalls a New Year holiday in Carmarthen

13    EXTRACT FROM THE UNCOLLECTED NOTEBOOKS 1
In which The Author wonders what he has to do to get some privacy

14    I WANT TO TELL YOU A STORY
In which The Author revisits the life and career of Jack Trevor Story

15    INCOMPLETE LIST OF GIGS
In which The Author realises he spent far too much time watching bands when he was younger

16    BLOODY WOMEN
In which The Author talks to one of a pair of twins

17     JUDGEMENT DAY
In which The Author experiences some technical difficulties

18    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 1
In which The Author has a letter printed in the newspaper

19    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 2
In which The Author doesn’t have a letter printed in the newspaper

20   A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 3
In which The Author writes the Letter of the Week in the local newspaper

21    GRANOTECHNOLOGY
In which The Author coins a new word for an old phenomenon

22    CAREERS ADVICE TO THE YOUNG
In which The Author offers some life lessons to the next generation

23    THE POWER OF SUGGESTION
In which The Author plays a joke on a friend

24    THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE
In which The Author is abducted by extraterrestrials

25    MAKING HAY WHILE THE SUN SHINES
In which The Author goes on tour

26    THE ONLY STRAIGHTS IN THE VILLAGE
In which The Author and his friends are victims of an unfortunate misunderstanding

27    THE FOLKS WHO LIVED ON THE HILL
In which The Author reminisces about his childhood home

28    APROPOS OF NOTHING…
In which The Author discovers an old song on YouTube

29    NEVER ARGUE WITH THE DESIGNATED DRIVER
In which The Author takes a bus journey

30    I WANT SOME ‘EXCITEMENT’ IN MY LIFE
In which The Author goes in search of physical and mental stimulation

31    MORE ON THE ‘EXCITING’ SURVEY AT THE SURGERY
In which The Author has cause to question his life expectancy

32     ‘WHAT DO YOU WANT?’ – ‘INFORMATION!’
In which The Author encounters a telephone ‘helpline’

33    WHAT’S IN A NAME?
In which The Author muses on changing fashions in childrens’ names

34    THE WRONG D. WALLACE
In which The Author buys a book

35    IT’S BEGINNING TO SOUND A LOT LIKE XMAS
In which The Author is mentally tortured contrary to International Law

36    THE GREAT MIGRATION
In which The Author indulges his sweet tooth

37    ANOTHER STRANGE COINCIDENCE
In which The Author has a weird dream

38    STRAIGHTFORWARD? PAH!
In which The Author attempts some DIY

39    MUSINGS ON THE LOSS OF AN OLD FRIEND
In which The Author attends a funeral or three

40   IT’S GOING TO BE A VERY LONG MONTH
In which The Author demonstrates his Stealth Proofreading skills

41    CHOCS AWAY!
In which The Author sends a Valentine card

42    THE GREAT VALLEYS SONGBOOK
In which The Author goes to see live music again

43    SCHOOL REUNION
In which The Author acquires some new PC software

44    INHIBITIONS AND EXHIBITIONS
In which The Author expounds a theory of mental illness

45    IT’S A HARD LIFE
In which The Author reflects on a publishing phenomenon

46    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 4
In which The Author bemoans the booking policy at his local cinema

47    GOING DOWN THE RIVER
In which The Author explores the upper stretch of the Vale of Neath

48    FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER
In which The Author finds his soulmate – and loses her again

49    THE BOYS’ VILLAGE PHOTOSHOOT
In which The Author is a model for the afternoon

50    ON A PERSONAL NOTE…
In which The Author finds the perfect song to sum up an abortive relationship

51    PICK’N'(RE)MIX
In which The Author casts an eye over contemporary youth culture

52    RESULTS DAY
In which The Author recalls failing exams

53    MONDAY, BLOODY MONDAY
In which The Author spends the day in the pub

54    SHAGGED OUT
In which The Author wonders what has happened to his libido

55    REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL (Part 4)
In which The Author justifies his decision to take the money and run

56    WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 1)
In which The Author explores some of his interior landscape

57    DOWN AMONGST THE ÜBERMENSCHEN
In which The Author meets some BNP sympathisers

58    TIME AND TIDE
In which The Author witnesses a wonder of the natural world

59    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 5
In which The Author makes a plea for a choice of television viewing

60    CSI ABERDARE
In which The Author has a sneaky preview of his Criminalistics practical

61    HIT AND MISS
In which The Author sees a particularly lovely pair of legs

62    FOOL’S MATE
In which The Author has to describe his ideal woman

63    FALLING OUT OF LOVE
In which The Author writes a eulogy

64    AUTUMN ALMANAC
In which The Author is decided seasonally affected

65    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 6
In which The Author defends a local pub for local people

66    STRANGERS ON A TRAIN
In which The Author overhears a conversation

67    WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 2)
In which The Author explores more of his interior landscape

68    A PAY-IN IN THE ARSE
In which The Author engages in battle with the machines yet again

69    ABSENT FRIENDS
In which The Author sees some old pals reunited

70    EDUCATION, EDUCATION, EDUCATION…
In which The Author has the six-week blues

71    FREAKS, GEEKS AND SPACE INVADERS
In which The Author is the fount of all knowledge and wisdom

72     IT’S BEGINNING TO LOOK A BIT LIKE XMAS
In which The Author sees an underwhelming set of festive decorations

73    SOCIAL DILEMMAS
In which The Author wonders about trusting people you deal with online

74    A MINOR MIRACLE
In which The Author has a date

75    EDUCATING NANCY
In which The Author fields a ringer in his Psychology seminar

76    WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 3)
In which The Author goes dancing in his subconscious mind

77    MISTLETOE AND NO WINE
In which The Author has a rather unconventional festive season

78    NEW YEAR, NEW START
In which The Author makes some resolutions

79    EAST AND WEST
In which The Author finds himself torn between cultures

80    DARK SIDE OF THE MOON
In which The Author travels in Space and Time without leaving the pub

81     SOMETHING FOR THE WEEKEND
In which The Author goes to Aberdare’s new ‘upmarket bar’

82     ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST
In which The Author is in nostalgic mood (again!)

83     AN EXCITING NEW DOCUMENTARY
In which The Author tries to broaden his appeal to a younger and more media-savvy readership

84     NUMBER NUMBNESS
In which The Author fears that history might repeat itself

85     A VERY STRANGE DREAM
In which The Author finds part of his dream diary from 1997

86     WHY AM I HERE…?
In which The Author ponders a geographical question

87     A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 7
In which The Author writes from the perspective of an 80-year old woman

88     IT’S COMPLICATED
In which The Author ponders his relationship status

89     EPIC FAIL
In which The Author discovers the meaning of a popular youth idiom

90     NOOKS AND CRANNIES
In which The Author refreshes his memory of the parts that Google Streetview didn’t reach

91      FRUSTRATIONS OF A SOLITARY WALKER
In which The Author walks for miles without getting anywhere

92     A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 8
In which The Author has some mathematical mischief

93     THE TWIN PEAKS EFFECT
In which The Author fancies a girl half the time

94     LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
In which The Author wonders why TV companies make such heavy weather of outdoor filming

95     WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 4)
In which The Author goes on more nocturnal journeys

96     WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 5)
In which The Author lucidly dreams of a perfect village

97     ANOTHER ODD DREAM
In which The Author does exactly what it says on the tin

98     MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE BAR…
In which The Author has a moment of clarity

99     NEWS? WHAT NEWS…?
In which The Author forwards some important information

100   MARXIST ECONOMICS
In which The Author transcribes an ancient manuscript for a modern audience

101    INCOMPLETE LIST OF ANNOYANCES (Part 1)
In which The Author lets off some steam

102    INCOMPLETE LIST OF ANNOYANCES (Part 2)
In which The Author sounds off once again

103    BULLSHIT DETECTOR
In which The Author expounds on The Two Cultures

104   OUT OF AFRICA
In which The Author sees some amazing children at play

105    SNAP, CRACKLE AND POP
In which The Author digs out some old records

106    DEAR ME
In which The Author carries out an internal audit

107    OFFENDER PROFILING
In which The Author does some psychological research

108    WETIQUETTE
In which The Author revisits the unwritten rules of pub culture

109    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 9
In which The Author contributes to the town planning debate

110    POETS’ CORNER
In which The Author and some friends reply to a challenge

111    WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 6)
In which The Author discovers one of London’s best-kept secrets

112    WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 7)
In which The Author has another lucid dream

113    INCOMPLETE LIST OF ANNOYANCES (Part 3)
In which The Author sees an irritating use of English

114    TURN LEFT
In which The Author explores a parallel universe

115    INCOMPLETE LIST OF ANNOYANCES (Part 4)
In which The Author ponders one aspect of the British banking system

116    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 10
In which The Author follows up on an earlier letter

117    ADVENTURES IN THE BOOK TRADE (Part 1)
In which The Author and his friends get asked some silly questions

118    EVERYTHING CHANGES
In which The Author wonders there really is a future

119    MODERN PHYSICS Vol 1: SPACE
In which The Author contemplates the mysteries of length and breadth

120    …ANOTHER DOOR OPENS
In which The Author meets an attractive young lady with a strange past

121    DEAR FATHER CHRISTMAS…
In which The Author regrets having the chimney demolished

122    IT’S BEEN AN ODD FEW DAYS
In which The Author reflects on the festive season

123   MODERN PHYSICS Vol 2: TIME
In which The Author muses on the Fourth Dimension

124    MEET THE PARENTS
In which The Author confronts his inner demons (and angels)

125    NOT BORN BEAUTIFUL
In which The Author dreams of a life more ordinary

126    BEHIND THE MASK
In which The Author conceals and reveals simultaneously

127    INSIGHTS INTO THE MIND OF A WORKING MAN
In which The Author meets another pillar of society

128    NO FUTURE
In which The Author comes unstuck in Time

129   SIBLING RIVALRY
In which The Author plays second fiddle

130    MEMORY DUMP
In which The Author reflects on some unreliable memoirs

131    BATCH PROCESSING
In which The Author comes up with a scheme to cut NHS waiting lists

132    SEARCHING FOR SATORI
In which The Author gets lost in translation

133   TIME CRASH
In which The Author witnesses a Spacetime Singularity at first hand

134    FLIPPING PICTURES
In which The Author needs some technical support

135    I’M SORRY, I HAVEN’T A CLUE
In which The Author becomes Technical Support

136    SOME HISTORICAL RESEARCH
In which The Author lives in the past for a while

137    MORE HISTORICAL RESEARCH
In which The Author brings his readers up to date

138    IDENTITY CRISIS
In which The Author addresses an existential question

139   YET ANOTHER WEIRD DREAM
In which The Author’s subconscious plays mind games again

140    RULES OF ENGAGEMENT
In which The Author has a note from his mother

141    THE ROUGH GUIDE
In which The Author does his bit for the Welsh tourist industry

142   WELCOME… TO THE REAL WORLD
In which The Author wishes he’d taken the blue pill

143   AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY IDENTICAL
In which The Author stands up

144   HE’S FALLEN IN THE WATER!
In which The Author goes late-night swimming

145   THE PROBLEM OF THE VANISHING BARMAID
In which The Author investigates a modern-day mystery

146   WHERE DO WE DRAW THE LINE?
In which The Author ponders another geographical question

147   IT’S THAT PARALLEL UNIVERSE AGAIN
In which The Author writes an open letter to his student friends

148   PORTION CONTROL
In which The Author exercises some self-restraint

149   CHANCE MEETING
In which The Author stirs up some traumatic memories in a virtual stranger

150    ALL TRUSSED UP AND NOWHERE TO GO
In which The Author’s self-imposed confinement reaches the seven-day mark

151    LOGORRHOEA
In which The Author uses The Chambers Dictionary and not Webster’s

152    WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 8)
In which The Author’s subconscious goes wandering again

153    CONNECTING PEOPLE
In which The Author does someone else’s job

154    PICTURE THIS
In which The Author wonders ‘what happens next?’

155    NOTHING EVER HAPPENS
In which The Author doesn’t see an historic event

156    ROBOT INVASION OF EARTH (Phase II)
In which The Author narrowly avoids being upgraded

157    WITH UNFRIENDS LIKE THESE…
In which The Author carries out his first-ever cull

158    COURTING CONTROVERSY
In which The Author considers one of psychology’s great unanswered questions

159    ADVENTURES IN THE BOOK TRADE (Part 2)
In which The Author recalls some good advice

160    FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE
In which The Author engages in online dating

161    UP THE AMAZON…
In which The Author encounters more customer disservice

162    AND THEN ONE DAY YOU FIND…
In which The Author (and his friends) get older

163    COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN
In which The Author meets a ‘native speaker’ of English

164    A LITTLE RESPECT
In which The Author doesn’t want to be in your gang

165    OMNISCIENCE
In which The Author finds his Time Machine

166    SPOT THE DELIBERATE MISTAKE
In which The Author revisits some of his favourite films

167    MOTORCYCLE EMPTINESS
In which The Author loses another friend

168    ZIGZAGGING DOWN MEMORY LANE
In which The Author takes a drunkard’s walk down his psychick pathways

169    HOW MANY AUTHORS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
In which The Author starts to go off the 21st Century

170     NOTHING SHORT OF A TOTAL WAR
In which The Author chooses a side

171     ADVENTURES IN THE BOOK TRADE (Part 3)
In which The Author and his friends have some mischief

172     LONDON ORBITAL
In which The Author has an adventure for sixty pence

173     GRASSROOTS RESEARCH
In which The Author does some fieldwork

174     A TURN-OUT FOR THE BOOKS
In which The Author learns a new word

175     DEATH WARRANTS
In which The Author and his friend have a mammoth day out

176     WINTER DRAWS ON
In which The Author wraps up warm

177     A PRESSING PROBLEM
In which The Author reads his ‘local’ newspaper

178    A CAPITAL DAY OUT
In which The Author revisits some old haunts

179    A FAREY TALE
In which The Author explores the mysteries of time, space and money

180    WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 9)
In which The Author’s dream world extends

181    LIVING IN THE PAST
In which The Author visits another parallel universe

182    FOR THE FALLEN
In which The Author goes in search of the Truth

183    IT’S GRAND OOP NORTH!
A Journey in Several Movements, in which The Author ventures into uncharted territory

184    WALKING THE DOG
In which The Author’s old friend comes sniffing around again

185    NO LAUGHING MATTER
In which The Author keeps a straight face

186    COMIC CUTS
In which The Author watches a demonstration of paper-folding

187    IT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD
In which The Author’s rational side reasserts itself for a while

188    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 11
In which The Author contacts the BBC

189    ENTERTAINING ANGELS UNAWARES
In which The Author learns the true meaning of Christmas

190    NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET THERE
In which The Author finds himself on the road to nowhere

191    STONE, PAPER, SCISSORS
In which The Author recapitulates an earlier theme

192    THE MUSIC BOX
In which The Author helps to move some furniture

193    THAT WAS THE MONTH THAT WAS
In which The Author helps a friend, loses a friend, and makes some new virtual friends

194    DOWN THE TUBES
In which The Author and his friends go underground

195    WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 10)
In which The Author experiences the joys of Co-codamol (again)

196    DÉJÀ VU
In which The Author has a blast from the past

197    BRIEF ENCOUNTER
In which The Author meets a travelling companion

198    ONE NIGHT A DVD SAVED MY BACON
In which The Author concludes his trilogy of train-based encounters

199    SHOT DOWN IN THE NIGHT
In which The Author has a non-train-based rail-related encounter

200    30 DAYS OF KINK
In which The Author is glad the Spirits could do it all in one night

201    NOSE-PAINTING, SLEEP AND URINE
In which The Author keeps his wallet in his pocket

202    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 12
In which The Author’s friend gets through the firewall

203    LAST ORDERS
In which The Author gets a surprise birthday present

204    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 13
In which The Author supports a Liberal Democrat (believe it or not!)

205    ORANGES AND LEMONS
In which The Author reflects on another security leak from the future

206    KOREA OPPORTUNITIES
In which The Author receives an unexpected phone call

207    QUANTUM SILLINESS
In which The Author becomes a co-author

208    THAT’S REALLY SUPER, SUPERGIRL
In which The Author is in a whimsical mood

209    COMPUTER LOVE
In which The Author makes some imaginary friends

210    THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE RADIO LAST WEEK (Part 1)
In which The Author has his horizons broadened by the BBC

211    ASK A SILLY QUESTION…
In which The Author resists the temptation to give a silly answer

212    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 14
In which The Author is a tad cynical

213    THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU GRADUATE
In which The Author offers some advice to prospective students

214    WAXING LYRICAL
In which The Author can’t hear clearly now

215    C IS FOR CYBERWOMAN
In which The Author reaches the end of a friendship

216    PREDICTIONS (Part 1)
In which The Author dips into a book of science essays

217    A LETTER TO THE EDITOR 15
In which The Author cracks the nationals

218    I DON’T LIKE THURSDAYS
In which The Author has a very odd day

219    WHERE I GO IN MY DREAMS (Part 11)
In which The Author goes back to school

220    THE DREADED NETBOOK HURLER OF OLD MOUNTAIN ASH
In which The Author encounters a real-life Goon Show

221    INCOMPLETE LIST OF ANNOYANCES (Part 5)
In which The Author minds his own business

222    A SAD DAY FOR DEBAUCHERY-CUM-DEPRAVITY
In which The Author drinks up and leaves

223    INCOMPLETE LIST OF ANNOYANCES (Part 6)
In which The Author goes bump in the night

224    THINGS I LEARNED FROM THE RADIO LAST MONTH
In which The Author catches up on four weeks’ listening

225    THE DOG, THE DOG, HE’S DOING IT AGAIN
In which The Author is way down

226    PREDICTIONS (Part 2)
In which The Author doesn’t have your number

227    THIS NON-SPORTING LIFE
In which The Author presents another slice of life in a Valleys town

228    GETTING STONED
In which The Author and his pals have an impromptu day out

229    DIGITAL BY DEFAULT (ALMOST…)
In which The Author plays computer games with the Government

230    IT’S THE SAME OLD SONG
In which The Author decides to buy some headphones

231    W.W.W.W.W.W. (Part 1: The Travelling Tippler’s Problem)
In which The Author tries to get connected