Advice to the Lovelorn

In which The Author reads a rather
strange letter in a newspaper

The following letter appeared in the Problem Page of the UK Daily Star ‘news’paper, 23 November 2007

My new girlfriend has confessed that she’s into hard-core S&M. Apparently one of her ex-lovers turned her on to it – now she’s keen to experiment with me. She reckons I’ll love it. She says that she views me as a challenge – a vibrator virgin. But I’m not so sure. I might have a few piercings, tattoos and wear weird clothes, but my sexual tastes are conservative. I love nothing better than a cosy kiss and cuddle. She insists that I’m really missing out and could be having so much more fun. Last night, she described all the sex toys she uses – the clamps, the leathers and the whips. I came over all queasy. I don’t want her to think that I’m a wuss. I want her to believe that I’m edgy, experimental and urban, too. But the truth is, I’m not.
Jane advises the bloke to dump her, in so many words. Before he does, he can give her my number, though!

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