In which The Author carries out an internal audit
While I hugely appreciate the enormous creativity which you put into our nightly adventures, I think I should really lay down some ground rules. Our client is more than happy to entertain Doctor Who out-takes during his downtime. In fact, he claims to have used some of your more reasonable ideas during moments of wakefulness.
However, our client does not appreciate it when you try out scenarios from terror-porn films (of the Saw variety) – especially when there seems to be absolutely no reason for this particular diversion. On behalf of our client, I respectfully request that you confine yourself to bizarre science-fiction scenarios.
Furthermore, our client has pointed out that it is two years since he last sold a book. Constant references to the retail book trade are unnecessarily distressing.
Please cease and desist from delving into this aspect of his personal history forthwith.
Long Term Memory.
Dear G.I. Tract,
Thank you for your frequent messages reminding me of your existence. You are little better than a debt collection agency, contacting me several times a day to remind me of my obligations. I can assure you that all amounts outstanding will be remitted as soon as possible.
Dear Musculo-Skeletal System
Thank you so much for reminding me just how dependent I am on habit-forming substances. I believe that much of the responsibility lies with your colleague Acromion (Right), who caused me great distress during the period 2001–8 (inclusive). However, your colleagues Lumbar Vertebrae have done little to ease the situation.
While alcohol has its uses, I frequently find myself resorting to prescribed opioids in order to facilitate some rest. The side-effects of these are unfortunate (see above correspondence). I choose not to follow the path of several of my friends in the pursuit of oblivion, and therefore I have no alternative but to request a little respite from your torment.
Incidentally, Acromion (Left) seems interested in filling the role formerly occupied by his opposite number. There is no vacancy. I repeat, there is NO vacancy.
Missing since 2003
Anyone who knows the whereabouts or last known residence of M.Y. LIBIDO, please contact our office as you may learn something to your advantage.
It has come to the attention of our H.R. Department that you are owed several months leave, backdated to the year 1978. It is imperative that you use this time owed as soon as possible, so that our client can start to have fun again. Unused fun cannot be carried over to the next life. Please contact this department if you have any questions.
Generator of Organic Diversity