In which The Author is in a whimsical mood
My friend Helen R. has recently had a long-awaited back operation. It’s great news for her, of course, but it also means that the world has lost one of its least effective superheroines:
You might recognise the background scene. It’s one of the photos I took at MediaCity in Salford, back in November 20120 (see It’s Grand Oop North!) Our original plan had been to knock up a suitable X-Men-style costume, full of bright colours and studded leather. Then I was going to photograph Helen against a plain background, and to combine the two images using GIMP.
The second film in the trilogy would have been a wry comment on Helen’s housework fetish:
However, since her operation was rushed through, Sciatigirl is no more. It’s a sad loss to caped crimefighting. It was a very short cape, by the way. Otherwise, the five-foot-and-a-fart accident-prone girl would have kept tripping over it – hence the title of the last film:
Sciatigirl wouldn’t have been the ideal girlfriend for another superhero, though. In more ways than one, she was a pain in the arse. Talking about silly things online on night (as we do), a mate and I got to thinking about other superheroines, and what it would be like to date them:
- CATWOMAN – a definite non-starter in my case!
- BATGIRL – you’d only go out with her because she kept hanging around in the pub.
- STORM – a tempestuous relationship, to say the least.
- JEAN GREY – impossible to lie to, as she sees right through it every time.
- THE INVISIBLE GIRL – you wouldn’t see much of her.
- MYSTIQUE – very dangerous, as she’d imitate other women to see whether you’re tempted to stray. Mind you, on the up side, she wouldn’t spend hours getting ready to go out …
- WONDER WOMAN – been there, done that. She didn’t even know that I, Steve himself, was the mysterious masked man who’d put her in this predicament:
- CRYOGIRL – a frigid bitch.
- SEISMOGIRL – she’ll really rock your world.
- PYROGIRL – hot stuff.
- THE INCREDIBLE VANISHING GIRL – oh, hang on, that was Jenny …
An Autobiography in Random Chapters 