My friend Helen R. has recently had a long-awaited back operation. It’s great news for her, of course, but it also means that the world has lost one of its least effective superheroines:
You might recognise the background scene. It’s one of the photos I took at MediaCity in Salford, back in November 20120 (see It’s Grand Oop North!) Our original plan had been to knock up a suitable X-Men-style costume, full of bright colours and studded leather. Then I was going to photograph Helen against a plain background, and to combine the two images using GIMP.
The second film in the trilogy would have been a wry comment on Helen’s housework fetish:
However, since her operation was rushed through, Sciatigirl is no more. It’s a sad loss to caped crimefighting. It was a very short cape, by the way. Otherwise, the 5′-and-a-fart accident-prone girl would have kept tripping over it – hence the title of the last film:
Sciatigirl wouldn’t have been the ideal girlfriend for another superhero, though. In more ways than one, she was a pain in the arse. Talking about silly things online on night (as we do), a mate and I got to thinking about other superheroines, and what it would be like to date them:
CATWOMAN – a definite non-starter in my case!
BATGIRL – you’d only go out with her because she kept hanging around in the pub.
STORM – a tempestuous relationship, to say the least.
JEAN GREY – impossible to lie to, as she sees right through it every time.
THE INVISIBLE GIRL – you wouldn’t see much of her.
MYSTIQUE – very dangerous, as she’d imitate other women to see whether you’re tempted to stray. Mind you, on the up side, she wouldn’t spend hours getting ready to go out…
WONDER WOMAN – been there, done that. She didn’t even know that I, Steve himself, was the mysterious masked man who’d put her in this predicament:
CRYOGIRL – a frigid bitch.
SEISMOGIRL – she’ll really rock your world.
PYROGIRL – hot stuff.
THE INCREDIBLE DISAPPEARING GIRL – oh, hang on, that was Jenny…