Breaking News…

In which The Author has a touch of the vapours

We’re getting news of a wave of widespread panic across Middle England. Emergency services were inundated with calls after thousands of retired people suddenly lost consciousness. The outbreak started immediately after the 2.00pm Radio 4 news bulletin, when The Archers was cut off mere seconds into the broadcast. This unexpected technical glitch caused chaos in care homes; cups of tea were spilled and slices of Victoria sponge were dropped onto carpets throughout the country, as residents were plunged into sudden catalepsy. At one day centre in St John’s Wood, staff spoke of a ‘near-riot’ in the lounge, sparked when a well-meaning service user attempted to retune the radio to Classic FM. The Notting Hill branch of Waitrose¬†has reported looting in the Wines & Spirits aisle, as panicking pensioners attempted to stockpile essential supplies for the coming End Times.
The BBC is pleased to report that normal service has now been resumed, although the serialisation of James Lees-Milne’s diaries may have to over-run and curtail this afternoon’s broadcast of Money Box.