In which The Author wonders whether everyone is in on the joke
Dateline: Aberdare, South Wales, Monday, 16 September – approaching 1630 BST.
Reports are coming in of a large number of incidents of Total Idiocy. It is as yet uncertain whether these are isolated cases, or symptomatic of a concerted attack on the sanity of the town’s population. Reports are still coming in, but this reporter witnessed two such incidents at first hand.
The first of these took place at approximately 1015 BST in the town’s public library. A woman walked into the Reference section, approached the issue desk, and asked whether she could use the photocopier. Having gained permission to undertake this dangerous task, she stared at the machine for nearly a full minute. She was the first person to use it today, and therefore the machine was running its normal start-of-day self-test routine.
‘Excuse me,’ she said to the librarian, ‘the light on the photocopier says “Wait”. What should I do?’
Having failed to spot the obvious answer contained within her own question, she stood patiently while the self-test ran its course. This reporter, cunningly concealed in full view, struggled to contain his amusement.
It is to be hoped that this same woman did not attempt to cross the busy road outside the Library, using the Pelican crossing a few yards away. Unable to comprehend the meaning of the word WAIT, she would almost certainly have been taken out of the gene pool in a perfect example of Darwinian selection.
The second incident took place shortly after 1430 BST in the town’s branch of The Works bookshop chain.
A customer was overheard telling the assistant, ‘Every pen I buy runs out of ink.’
(This reporter was somehow heartened to find that she was the last woman he actively pursued, before deciding that she was too stupid to be worth bothering with.)
Conspiracy Theorists take note: There is not really a secretive cabal of stationery magnates, including the directors of Parker, Waterman, Bic, Staedtler, Faber-Castell, Platignum, and Rotring. They did not order the murder (which was covered up, naturally) of the man who invented the everlasting pen. Any online references you may find to Operation Permanent Eraser are merely part of an elaborate hoax.
This reporter will endeavour to keep you posted of further incidents as they occur, in the earnest hope that this outbreak can be contained and/or terminated, possibly with outside intervention …
An Autobiography in Random Chapters 