In which The Author draws up a policy document
Please ensure that you bring no fewer than five forms of identification with you on the day. These can include:
- a full UK photographic driving licence (with paper counterpart);
- a current ten-year passport;
- a UK Armed Services Identification Card;
- your National Insurance card or a letter issued by a Government department bearing your National Insurance number, e.g. a P2 Notification of Tax Coding (a payslip will not be acceptable);
- your birth certificate (original, not a copy);
- your marriage certificate;
- your decree absolute;
- a bank card/credit card with photograph;
- three household utility bills dated within the last three months;
- three consecutively-numbered bank statements;
- three consecutive credit card statements.
You will also be required to supply two passport photographs for my records.
Should you arrive more than one minute early or one minute late for your appointment, you will not be seen. You will be required to reschedule your appointment at my convenience.
NB I have two clocks which receive a radio signal from the National Physical Laboratory’s atomic clock and adjust themselves to GMT and BST. They will be the sole yardsticks by which your punctuality is measured.
On arrival, you will be required to complete a form providing your full name, permanent address, home, work and mobile telephone numbers, email address, and details of your vehicle. You will not be allowed onto my property until this, and the documentation listed in Part A, can be examined in detail. If necessary, you will be required to wait until your identity can be verified by a telephone call to your superiors.
You will be required to provide your fingerprints and a cheek swab for subsequent DNA typing. Your photographs will be taken, and your voice recorded. These will be stored securely and destroyed after ten years.
The meeting will be videotaped, and an unedited copy will be emailed to your superiors within 72 hours. A third person may be present to observe and take notes without prior notification.
Should you disagree with any of the Terms and Conditions herein, or fail to comply with any of these criteria in any way, your appointment will be cancelled immediately and you will not be admitted to my property.
You will have the right to appeal against any decision which I make in respect of your appointment. Appeals must be submitted online within thirty (30) minutes of the scheduled start, via http://www.givingpettybureaucratsnightmaresince2014.org*
Please allow up to 104 weeks for a decision.
Appeals submitted by any other means will not be considered valid.
* Please note that the website is not optimised for browsers higher than Internet Explorer 5, and will not run Adobe Reader 7 or higher.