That’s Really Super, Supergirl

In which The Author is in a whimsical mood

My friend Helen R. has recently had a long-awaited back operation. It’s great news for her, of course, but it also means that the world has lost one of its least effective superheroines:

You might recognise the background scene. It’s one of the photos I took at MediaCity in Salford, back in November 20120 (see It’s Grand Oop North!) Our original plan had been to knock up a suitable X-Men-style costume, full of bright colours and studded leather. Then I was going to photograph Helen against a plain background, and to combine the two images using GIMP.

The second film in the trilogy would have been a wry comment on Helen’s housework fetish:

However, since her operation was rushed through, Sciatigirl is no more. It’s a sad loss to caped crimefighting. It was a very short cape, by the way. Otherwise, the five-foot-and-a-fart accident-prone girl would have kept tripping over it – hence the title of the last film:

Sciatigirl wouldn’t have been the ideal girlfriend for another superhero, though. In more ways than one, she was a pain in the arse. Talking about silly things online on night (as we do), a mate and I got to thinking about other superheroines, and what it would be like to date them:

• CATWOMAN – a definite non-starter in my case!

• BATGIRL – you’d only go out with her because she kept hanging around in the pub.

• STORM – a tempestuous relationship, to say the least.

• JEAN GREY – impossible to lie to, as she sees right through it every time.

• THE INVISIBLE GIRL – you wouldn’t see much of her.

• MYSTIQUE – very dangerous, as she’d imitate other women to see whether you’re tempted to stray. Mind you, on the up side, she wouldn’t spend hours getting ready to go out …

• WONDER WOMAN – been there, done that. She didn’t even know that I, Steve himself, was the mysterious masked man who’d put her in this predicament:

• CRYOGIRL – a frigid bitch.

• SEISMOGIRL – she’ll really rock your world.

• PYROGIRL – hot stuff.

• THE INCREDIBLE VANISHING GIRL – oh, hang on, that was Jenny …

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